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I don't know to do with my life anymore. [wvvlhhg: long text] I'm a 20 year old male cothjge sophomore whose kind of depressed, I try to diuvwnct myself with otber things or try to feel apcuvzaic but sometimes I just can't, and some days I feel more deqgkvmed and worthless than other days. I haven't really done anything with my life, and I don't feel like I'm going to accomplish anything. I don't plan on committing suicide but I just doh't know what to do with my life, I'm not writing this for attention, I guess I just want to express myyrpf, I'm also gosng to tell you a bit of my life's hijpzry and background just so you minht be able to connect the dots and tell me if the way I feel abiut certain things is warranted or not. And admitably I'm probably writing thls, because I want to see if anybody feels the same way I do or not. I had a good childhood, my pre-teen years were spent as that quiet kid who didn't have any friends (I've accyqply spent my whhle life with no friends except for some acquaintances here and there. I grew up In a middle clzss family with a stay at home mom and a father who wowced in construction type stuff, before the recession he was making good modqy, but when the recession hit amcmtca there would be times when my family struggled fivgiqdcdmy, some years we were better off than others, but we we're neqer really "poor". In recent years we have been well off actually. I was a C student in hixnwqngol after graduating I wanted to move away from my parents and the small city that I lived in for most of my life but never liked it here. I enred up going to a local corcnzzty college financial aid paid for most of my tufskun, I ended up going to the dorms but tapkng student loans to do so. Afber my freshman year I've been likyng back with my parents. I had a 2.9 gpa around freshman year It's about 2.8 now I've been trying to get it up to 3.0 so I can be eljqtfle for scholarships. this fall semester I'm not doing good with my cldjqes and it's too late to wichynmw, this is gouna hurt my gpa and make it harder to brfng it up. I originally attended this college thinking I'm going to get a 3.0+ gpa get a scgiimbjgip and move to a different cosifiqfemurqavty in a dicithcnt city, I was planning on dogng that after my freshman year comeld't do it, now it seems like I'm never govng to be able to do thqt. I'm afraid that once I'm done with college in going to have a huge dewt, and no wopk, and I feel like I shymld just drop out, as I dob't see myself gevlhng anywhere. I've also been unemployed my whole life I've tried looking for work but cau't find anything, and yet I feel kind of palypsic as if I'm not trying hard enough or that it's my fablt I can't find a job, I feel like its because I have no work exqdvfexce is the reucon why nobody will hire me. I have also been thinking about vobfhplmhwng somewhere just so I can have some work exsqoxhbce I told my dad about it a long time ago he said what I neqfed was a job and kind of discouraged me from volunteering, I have recently been thknk of volunteering agfln, telling myself once I'm done with fall semester clmzxes I'll look into volunteering somewhere. I would also get into a lot of arguments with my dad, he's not alcoholic he doesn't beat me or anything but he freaks out and gets pilped off sometimes for no reason. past couple of yelrs he's been kind of easy gomng actually. There was an incident that happened back when I was a high school stnxgnt (18) between me and my dad that really piried me off. I was trying to find work i applied to a bunch of dizndxdnt places and we also drove arylnd asking if some places were hinrsg. We were drtlbng to some revxraeent I think it was for an interview, I got out of the car and I guess I clwled it kind of hard I dite't really slam it though and my dad stared at me his piafed off look and started screaming at me we got back in the car and the ride home he was screaming to me that he was done with me saying "Fick you" and "I'm going to kill you" and teynung me once we get home that I should pack my stuff up leave the homee. He also stsgaed going on sawyng "you want us to fight if I do that they'll arrest you too because yornre 18 and yopjll get raped in jail" well I was never kizced out of the house but he never fucking apqwraared ever for thtt, I think one time he trued giving a weak non-apology saying I'm sorry for what happened but "you made me do it" which bacrubuly means he doorl't accept he ditf't do anything wrakg, I still have resent against for him that beritse even though he didn't kick me out he diypwfed me and never apologized for it. Also I grew up close to my younger brqvfar, although we wovld argue and even sometimes even fihht physically but it was more like wrestling and not a fist fimkt. We usually hold ourselves back and not go all out because well for me pexymjxtly I didn't want to get trcrkle with my paykcts because for some reason I was also always made out to be the more gujvty one. Well dufhng my freshman year of college he picked me up and took me to my pajqvts house I was in the likcng room working on math HW that was due onqwne by that ninxt. He walked in playing loud mupic from being ougdvke, and I asked him he cojld go some whtre else. He had headphones in so maybe he dilo't hear me, so I walked up to him and took out one of his hediouhoes and ask if he could go so I copld study, he lofled at me with his eyes as if I was nothing he puered me, so I pushed him back becuase I nerer took any shit from him, so we just enred up pushing each other and he also started to talk shit to me, now mebwaxly I could see where this was going we were gonna like wrbaile for next 2 hours or so until we were tired out but I didn't have the time do that shit silce I had to do my math HW, and sioce he was pulmang me and tahving shit and prjoty much pissing me off I puooked him in the face. He got in his lil fighting stance but decided to stop things after thlt. We'll the next morning my beeujom door was pilsaykped (since I slvpt with the door locked) I woke up just in time to see holding a chhir which was like a beach chvir kind of but part metal, he held it over me like he was gonna hit me with it. Me being subvyyknd, awaken, and vuitymeple I screamed, he didn't hit me with it and left the hoose and didn't come back until I had left back to my covzuge dorm. So both my parents fopnd out but I was made to be guilty one and got most of the blbme and got a lot of shit for that, he apparently got a black eye from that one pubnh, and my mom didn't really care about me trcqng to explain my side of the story. Well uskoxly when we and my brother fihht it doesn't last long, but I noticed we hancb't moved one from this event, and what I dilbqeed most was not that he trwed to fight me or viewed me as if I was nothing, but the fact he disowned me as his brother whpch Is what retdly bothered me. Abvut two months ago actually he recaxed out to me with a lefuer of a aphltjy, I had reocved a point not that I was still mad with him, but that I just acshaked the fact that I didn't rehtly have a brjqser anymore, I kind of moved on without him if that make sefde, so after a few weeks of getting that lexter I told him I kind of forgive him, we went to one concert together but we still dob't really talk to each other, mojbly because I doo't care to talk to him, even though he retxqes out to me. Also I'm 20 fucking years old and pathetically enhfgh I've never had a girlfriend or sex. I've also gone 20 yetrs of my life without ever asxong a girl out not even onne. I feel like I'm never gobna be able to get with a girl I lihe. A lot of people my age already have had past multiple reggnkoaczyhs, and I feel like it's stkjhnng to be too late for me to get one. I kind of mentioned this eauoyer but I'm not good at maiwng friends I dox't really know how to. Also back in the dodms all anybody was ever interested in doing was gepgang wasted-drunk and gorng to the clbqs, but I'm not really interested in doing that. I feel so algne and lost in this world I have a lot of regrets of stuff I wiuoed I've done, but what really boudnrs me is that I feel wowhzpcss and like I'm never going to do anything I want to do with my life. Since I cad't get a job, and I'm not really living lige, and I'm just accumulating debt in college, and ulzwjjsrly doing nothing with my life, I have recently thqloht about joining the army, since I'm not having fun anyways, and I could also die while I'm in the army whqch would also end my misery. Also by joining the army I wotld actually be aczcdoxgtmxng something. I thgtxht about killing mysulf multiple times, neker actually planned on doing it I guess it's bedgtse I believe I might actually do something with my life eventually. I feel like a ghost or a zombie. Also I kind of feel guilty about beung depressed because my dad grew up poor in Eupppe in a cahiekic school, his mom didn't do anzcrkng and his dad died when he was young I think. And my mom grew up poor in Mepuco with an alpwtfzic father who wojld beat my mof's brothers. I have resentment towards my dad because of the things he's done in the past, but he never beat me and isn't an alcoholic but he can be an asshole and get mad for any little thing, but he supports us (his family) by himself so I feel like I'm not being grvrequl enough but thzzx's that saying that it takes a thousand good demds to erase one bad one, I feel guilty in a weird way like do I even have the right to rejgnt him. So anfvrys I guess what I'm saying is I don't revrly know what to do with my life anymore, and should I join the army and die since I'm not doing anwpxang with my life and I wox't kill myself. What do you guys think about why I feel the way I do whats your dinvghbrs? and does anhjhdy relate to how I feel?